matto (crucialseven) wrote,

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and i never thought this day would come....

hello darkness, my old friend.

life is life is life. trying to change it or add to it or take away from it is the road to self destruction. things become offered to you, you accept them. you do not decline or ask for more.

my summer has been just that. summer. i still miss last year. even though i couldn't drive, i miss it. as i write this, i have a female on my mind. well, more or less embedded into my brain. i don't know whats going on with her.... i feel used. what makes me such a target for abuse? not even abuse, just what makes me to appear to be some person who enjoys getting manipulated?

For the past month, i have been writing letters to myself. i started this just cause my memory is not all that great, and i want to remember as much as i can. i started writing these letters to myself because of Laurel. she's a person who i believe that i care for very much. im swimming in a river of my own shit and i just want to drownd. anyway, laurel's leaving for falcon ridge in new york thursday morning at 1030 AM. im planning on stopping by and just giving her all the fucking letters i wrote. these are memories that i dont want to carry with me anymore.

i want to drive. i want to escape and leave and be gone forever. as im driving back from "The Wall (a place in souderton)" (hopefully for the last time) i just wished i sold everything i owned, and used the money just to buy land somewhere in the great plains. just live by myself until im dead. so many grand ideas that i know never will pan out in the end.

a little over a year ago, me and katie broke up, beginning of july. during the schoolyear, i thought i hated her. i didnt. i just thought i did. it was just anger, frustration, whatever. she's a good human being, we're on friends terms now i beleive.

i feel like standing at the edge of an iceberg, surround by people.... and at the edge, i just want to break away, and just float away. so slowly that no one notices that im slipping away. then im gone, and go fuck yourselves. congradulations...

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