matto (crucialseven) wrote,

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no rest for the wicked

february is finally at an end.

this month has been unspeakably bad. and i cannot think of one good reason as to why it has been so shitty.

like...... it has just been tons and tons of odds and ends in my life just piling up, leaving me to find a crutch to bare all of the weight. well, my crutch of hte month has been drugs. whoopidy fuckin doo.

i can no longer drive my car. i still have a licence, and i guess i can use the old van, but as far as that "Olds" goes, it has become a lawn orniment. my inspection was due in by the end of this month, but because i cannot afford to waste any $$$ onna new muffler for that pile of shit, i cannot pass inspection. and not passing inspection means you dont drive the car. the end.

i think im losing my mind. well, not losing it, but i've been having these weird sensations as of late. like, earlier tonight, after i got home from work, i walked up to my room for a cd. and when i got in my room grabbed a cd, and went to turn, it felt like someone had just put a bookbag on my back... like... it just felt like suddenly there was weight on me, and as i noticed this and took a few steps, it was gone. dont ask me what the fuck that means, but it was weird.... i guess i spend too much time walkin around school. i dunno. fuck that.

i also have no clue what's going on with laurel. i was gettin some weird vibe afterschool today that she has a crush on jonny. well, if she does, more power to her. i didnt have a chance with her to begin with. now i can feel a vein in my neck..... its pulsing........ and now its gone....... i had zoned out for a minute. and i could feel it....... its only when you close yourself off to things that you every really notice anything.

i always feel ignored. you know how there is always that one kid on AIM. who IMs you, and is actually trying to talk to you, and you only give one word responces and minimize the IM right away just because u could care less. well, i feel like i have become that person. i've been feeling so empty and alone lately, and im trying to talk to so many people about anything... and the conversations always seem stagnent. maybe its just because i am an uninterresting person. fuck if i know.

i do not have work saturday or sunday this week. im goiing to try and advoid drugs as much as possible. jenn barndt is getting shrooms again though.... guah...... fuck you february, you ruined this year.....

im failing 1/3 of my classes....... dammit..... i've given up....... not given up to the point of dropping out, but given upto the point of where i sleep in art..... in ART!!!! you're always supposed to be making a pinch pot or throwing on the wheel, and all i ever whined up doing is putting my head down on the clay coated table and trying to get a few minutes of sleep before the hell that is cisco.

no one is online.... im not suprized....

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